Gypsy Rose Lee...Where Are You?

The new world of burlesque seems to be an all encompassing one. You needn’t be young, slim, fit, have rhythm or dancing ability to get onstage, just the willingness to strip down to your g-string and pasties in front of a group of strangers. How one gets to that g-string and pasties seems to be entirely up to the performer. Bewilderingly so.

I attended my first burlesque show last month. I had heard murmurs of a revival of old school burlesque going on, a bit of a backlash to the pornographic world of stripping that has been around for a while been so I thought, what the hell, why not go have a look?  Two nights of burlesque entertainment were offered, the international stars or the homegrown beginners. Hhmm.  I debated about a second and went for the experienced group. There seemed no need to take a chance on ending up watching a neighbour or daughter of a friend shakin’ their money maker.  My husband and I showed up a bit early and watched the audience arrive. The crowd was playing its part, lots of naughty outfits, tattoos, green and blue hair, darling little fascinators perched on heads, the occasional really racy get up, all good fun. Then the curtain went up.

You want to be a kitty and scratch the furniture and sit in a litter box, go for it! How about a cowgirl with her lasso, a dominatrix with her black leathers, a princess in a sequined ball gown or maybe you just want to do a few push ups and splits in a g-string. The stage is yours.   The parade of entertainment was….confusing.  Some performers just strode about without regard for the beat of the music doffing clothes, others worked out elaborate scenarios with large props, a few even danced!  Young, old, firm, soft, big bellied, small breasted, it didn’t matter.  The common denominator seemed to be enthusiasm.  I had to remind myself that these were the “international stars”, winners of contests, well known in the burlesque community. It felt much more like watching a group of suburban moms who had decided to put on a show.  Maybe a fundraiser for the school.   “Hey, instead of a bake sale let’s all strip! It’ll be fun!!”

Just before the intermission the MC’s came on and launched into a rapturous ode to the next performer. We were going to get to see the one and only First Lady of Burlesque…..April March! The crowd went wild.  April March sashayed on stage, as quickly as an eighty year old can sashay. Yup, eighty, she told us that herself.  She was strapped into a bulletproof corset, heavy denier pantyhose and modest heeled shoes.  As she sauntered around the stage, dipping one shoulder then the other, blowing kisses and lip syncing the words to the song playing that had been written about her, I was silently begging the powers that be that no article of her clothing was going to be removed.  Please, please.  My prayer was answered. 

After a standing ovation for April and her dedication to the art of burlesque, the curtain came down for intermission. My husband looked at me and said, “I’m done”. We left the theatre but I exited with the exciting new knowledge that there was still room for me in the entertainment business if I ever felt the urge.  Where does one buy those glue on tassels? 

No Computer Genius

I’m no computer genius, that is a given.  I can get my way around Quicken for home finances, bank online, download photos and books, send emails but I can’t write code, photoshop anything or figure out how to properly resize things sometimes.  My skills are limited.  I tried to start up an online store a few years ago and even though all the experts said how easy it was to do, that anyone with limited computer knowledge could be up and selling within the hour after picking a name and a store platform, I could not.  OMG.  These people should be arrested for giving false hope, fined at the very least, or perhaps just sharply rapped, and I mean really sharply, on the knuckles for making people like me think it was possible to do that. The reviewers definition of computer skill levels was obviously in another galaxy from my definition.

This is how I felt when I started...a strong, smart woman dominating her computer....

 I did my homework, read the reviews of the various online store platforms and chose one. I had my store name and concept and was ready to go.   Did I already say OMG!?? Between headers and footers, banners and widgets I was painfully in over my head.  I actually broke my store.  I ran into so many problems that the help desk couldn’t help me. Seriously. They had to refer my problem to some other wizard and get back to me in a few days. It was painfully disheartening.  I’m a smart person, good at following directions and was confident that with some trial and error I would get this thing done. I could not get this thing done.  Yes, I could have paid someone $1000 to set the whole thing up but that would have probably wiped out a year’s profit from what was going to be my little business.  

While waiting for my store site to recover from its latest injury inflicted by me ( I sort of imagined my store lying in a hospital bed in traction with its head wrapped in bandages saying, Please no… no more…)  I decided to move the large photo printer I had bought to make the cards with that were to be part of my inventory.  It just needed to be moved from one side of my office to the other. Simple.  I picked it up, took two steps and tripped on something I had left on the floor (no kids left at home to blame for that) and took a flying leap towards the open door of my office.  I landed with a massive thump on my side and the printer went sailing out of my hands and crashed down onto the hardwood floor of the foyer about three feet in front of me.  The only bright spot? No one was there to witness the scene. Now I envisioned my printer lying in a hospital bed next to my store, pins and screws holding it together, suffering.  I felt bad.
                                                                      
 This is how I felt afterwards......

It took a few minutes to get over the pain and shock of what had just happened.  And a lot of really foul swearing. I picked myself up, already a nasty bruise starting to colour up, gathered my printer into my arms and carefully placed it onto the desk area where I had wanted it to be.  I couldn’t look it in the eye, had to turn my face away in shame.  I sat down at my desk and deleted my online store.  A faint puff of air crossed my face that I took to be the sigh of relief from the help desk at the hosting site for my store.   Sometimes you just have to know when to call it.

I Did Not See That Coming

It’s amazing to me how completely different we human beings can be in all things. Our approach to different situations, our tastes in food, music, clothes, friends.  We are all human, same basic set up with every body but yet so very, very different.  You think you know what you can expect from people and then, boom, someone surprises you. It’s one of the wonderful things about being human, our diversity. As those great sages are wont to say, it would be a pretty boring world if we were all the same.

I was out having lunch with a friend at a small deli near my home and we had a nice table by the window next to the front door.  It’s the type of place where you order at the counter and they bring the food to your table when it’s ready.  Several young women were working behind the counter, occasionally coming out to clear tables when necessary.  Pretty casual.  My friend and I had finished our lunches and pushed our plates to the side while we continued with our visit.  We were deep into conversation, not too aware of what was going on in the deli when a woman strode up to our table and reached for my plate.  I glanced at her quickly and assumed she was a staff member there to clear my plate away.  Her hand darted out and instead of taking hold of my plate she grabbed the half eaten mini scone I had left on my plate and with a big smile she asked, “ Are you done with this? Do you mind if I take it? “  I was startled but said, yes, I was done, she could have it. I fully expected her to say that she had a dog outside who would love it.  Instead she said, “ I had such a craving for something like this and this will be perfect to satisfy it. No point in wasting it.”  She popped it in her mouth and breezed out the door.

Well....gobsmacked would be understating the effect that had on us.  "That was a first!” was my friend’s comment, finally. I am 58 years old and have eaten in many, many restaurants in many different places around the world and have never, ever had a stranger take food off my plate and eat it. At least not right in front of me.  I wasn’t upset or angry or disgusted just totally and completely surprised.  And it takes a lot to surprise me.  The woman was maybe forty, nicely dressed and with someone, although I didn’t get a chance to see who it was.  She wasn’t a hungry street kid, desperate for something to eat.  Just your average woman with a craving and no boundaries.  Maybe she was menopausal…that might make some sense.  Hhhmmm.

So the take away from this episode was this….maybe we should all leave our leftovers on a table somewhere and anyone that wants to can come by and pick through them for what they may have felt they missed out in their own meal.  Maybe there was a dish they wanted to try but were afraid they might not like it, maybe they ordered something they didn’t like and needed a different taste in their mouth, or maybe they were still hungry. Hey, waste not, want not right?  Instead of trying to make the restaurants compost their table scraps, just leave them out. Let the customers finish those fries, or the coleslaw you left behind. I am sure there is someone who loves the crusty edge of the macaroni and cheese that often gets left.  Or not, depending on your sensibility.  What do you think?  A great solution to the problem of waste in our society or just ick, that is really gross?

My hat is off to the charming lady who politely went after what she wanted in that moment, I really did not see that coming.