Let Me Give You Some Advice...

Advice. Some people like to give it, some people like to ask for it. Rarely does anyone take it. I read somewhere a few years ago that when people ask for advice what they are really asking for is for you to agree with the choice or position they have already decided upon. If you do agree it feels like they have taken your advice and if you don't agree they simply head off and find someone else to ask. Eventually someone will agree with them or they will give up asking and do what they wanted in the first place. An advice asker may seem confused about a situation and appear to sincerely want your help with the problem but if pressed will admit they are leaning a certain way. The role of the advice giver therefore is more to act as a sounding board than to really add anything to the conversation. I understand that is the technique many therapists use, they keep asking you questions until you figure it out yourself. They can't give you answers. 

Once I understood that concept I had a completely different point of view on the whole advice topic. I had been under the impression that people truly wanted my help when they asked for advice but I have no illusions about that anymore and it's made things so much easier. I no longer take any personal affront when someone doesn't take my advice. No more asking myself "why did I bother?". They don't actually want MY advice, they want me to ferret out their own answer and give them permission to go ahead.  I will still let someone run through all the facts and their feelings for me, then I'll offer up my wisdom and let it go. You can't make anybody do anything that they don't want to do. Let me repeat that, you can't make anybody do anything they don't want to do.  That's been another epiphany that has simplified my life. No one really wants your advice and no one will make the decision you want for them unless they want it already. Simple, right? 

I just like this picture and its courtesy
of my son, Nate Konyi

One of my friends has lived by the phrase "if you give someone the right information, they will make the right choice." Not true. She has been bedeviled by that one for a long time. It all depends on your idea of what the 'right information' is and what the 'right choice' is based on that. And so it goes with any advice, from something as simple as "do these pants make me look fat?" to "should I marry this person?".  My bet is that somewhere along the line Angelina Jolie asked a good friend if she and Brad should marry. That friend may very well have said no, sensing that perhaps things weren't too great in the relationship and the marriage card was being played to try to pull them together. Did she listen? No. And here they are headline fodder today. Angelina may have been given all the right information about her relationship with Brad and where it was headed but she made her own call. Did it for the kids or whatever. Often the asker is not asking the right question. When someone asks if the pants make them look fat perhaps what they should really be asking is "should I lose some weight before I wear these pants?".  A tougher question to ask and to answer. 

So I guess this is a long-winded way of saying, think before you ask for advice. Are you asking the right question? Are you simply looking for approval for a plan that might just be the easy way out, not the right solution? And understand that when you are asked for advice it may be flattering but any advice you offer will probably not be acted upon. Let go of that expectation, life will be better for it.  This doesn't mean that I don't wish to be asked for advice...ask away, I'll be happy to give it and won't expect you to follow it. Just don't come back complaining when your way didn't work out. 

Courtesy of Nate Konyi