Who's Afraid?

Research has found that there is a gene for fearlessness. I don't have it.  There are people born to quake at the thought of climbing a stepladder and others who get excited about jumping off a mountain wearing a flying bat suit.  I'm the first kind and my husband is the second. Each side cannot understand the other. What my husband's type views as fun I can only view with dread and heart palpitations. I have never thought of myself as a very adventurous person. I am claustrophobic and I don't like heights which makes things like caving and rock climbing unappealing to me.  I am more the cerebral, bookworm, crossword doing type of person. My parents made sure I could swim, ride a bike and ice skate, but my hand eye coordination isn't great and I really don't trust the world to keep me safe so racquet sports and risky endeavours were out. I was okay with all that, safe and content in my small realm of non-adventurous things that I was good at and then I went and married an athletic, co-ordinated, thrill seeker. I've been out of my comfort zone ever since.
On our honeymoon, my husband and I were hiking through the Palm Canyons of Palm Springs on a beautiful sunny afternoon when Ted felt we should cross the stream and picnic on the other side.  He quickly leapt from rock to rock across the water, carrying our picnic basket and urging me to follow. Determined to impress my new husband I shook off my feeling of panic and leapt to the first rock. Success! By the third rock I landed poorly and plunged one leg thigh -deep into the water. Yup, that's the kind of gal I am. No mountain goat. Ted was good at hiding any dismay he may have had, it was our honeymoon after all.

Zip Lining in Mexico

When our two sons got old enough Ted finally had partners in crime for his adrenaline fuelled escapades. Dirt biking, downhill mountain biking, go kart racing, skiing, boogie boarding, roller coasters, scuba diving...all things I had no desire to participate in.  Events that involved either high speeds, confined spaces or heights were not on my bucket list. I'm not saying I didn't try, I did. I jumped off a three metre diving board holding my young son's hand but I wouldn't jump off the cliffs at the lake, I snorkelled but wouldn't scuba dive, I body surfed but couldn't boogie board, I aprés-skied but didn't ski. I squeezed myself into small helicopters and hung onto the seat as if it would save me but I wouldn't do the "doors off" helicopter trip. You get the picture.
 After going through cancer treatment at forty years of age my anxiety level was stuck on high for a few years and I couldn't bring myself to go very far outside my comfort zone. I was just happy to be alive and didn't feel the need for any adrenaline rush. Life calmed down as it does and I felt I could start to show my kids I wasn't a total scaredy-cat.  I rode my first roller coaster in my mid forties, I went tandem paragliding in Maui, zip-lining in Mexico where just viewing the amount of duct tape holding the equipment together was an adventure in itself. Hot air ballooning,  then challenge events involving climbing to the top of a telephone pole while harnessed and jumping off, trusting the belayers below to keep me safe. All of these things were small potatoes to my husband but he knew that for me each one was a big step and he was impressed that I tried.

On the Peak to Peak

After the kids left home it was up to me to be Ted's partner in adventure again just as in our earlier times.  So I continue to push myself out of my cozy nest and have recently gone whitewater river rafting (minimum age was 13 so I figured I could do it) and rode the Peak to Peak gondola at Whistler, which for someone who's feet tingle and sweat when faced with a balcony that is higher than ten floors up was an achievement. This past summer I agreed to get on the back of a motorcycle for a day so Ted could experience the fun of riding again.  Yes, he could have done it without me but he wanted me there and I went. It wasn't my idea of fun but I hung on and tried to trust in my husband to keep me safe and make a few marriage Brownie points while I was at it.

Get your motor runnin'...

 Ted recently blasted his way down the Sasquatch Zipline at Whistler, and that's never going to happen for me.  Nor will I be bungee jumping or sky diving, I don't have the gene, remember. Given the fear level I have to overcome to do what I do and the fact that Ted largely has no fear I think I am the braver one.  I still feel like a timid soul next to the daring of my husband but looking back on what I have managed to make myself do I am proud of my effort. Ted and my sons have pushed me to stretch myself and conquer my fears and I'm grateful for that. As they say, it's not the things you do in life that you regret, its the things you don't so I'm working on making the "don't" list a bit shorter. I still don't trust the world to keep me safe but I've come a long way from the little girl who took forever to learn to ride a bike because of a fear of falling.  So if you are like me and taking your first yoga class or guitar lesson or kayak trip gets your stomach in knots and your neck muscles feel like stone, have faith. You aren't less brave or less strong than the next person, you just don't have right gene and it's not your fault. But you can do it.