Are you over
75, single and looking for love? Are you
interested in finding that love online?
Well, I may be the right person to talk to. For a woman my age I know way more about
seniors online dating that I should have to.
And let me tell you, there is far more going on there than you can
imagine.
When my
mother, June (hi Mom!) was widowed seven years ago at the age of 80, she was
devastated to find herself left alone when she had counted on my father to
outlive her. He was eight years her senior so the odds weren’t with her plan
but she had invested in magical thinking that she would die first. Fast forward
a year and she could see that there was no going back, only moving forward, so
she decided to try and find a new mate and online dating seemed the way to go. June was, and still is, healthy, active and
attractive and had enough money to take care of herself. In short, a catch. New photos were taken of her and I was
recruited to write up a bio.
My beautiful mother, June
An overly
lengthy bio was written by yours truly (more about that later) and okayed by
June. Up went her profile and her
preferences in a man. It became apparent
mighty fast that 80 year old men thought themselves a good match for a 55 year
old woman. Their parameters for age seemed to be 55-79 so we decided that June
needed to lie about her age. We quickly made her 79. Who would we be hurting? I mean, really? Women I know who are 55 and looking for love
online are running into the flip side of the same problem, 75 year old men want
to date them and the women are not interested. Women are a bit more realistic
about the age thing, most 55 year old women would set their parameters at
50-65, not 30 -55 but hey, that’s life.
There are just
as many seniors that post out-of-date pictures of themselves as people in other
age categories do. We saw pictures of
men in tank tops looking manly, men standing in front of boats or RV’s, hooked
up to oxygen tanks, one gent posted a picture of himself ironing…in a tank top.
There was one nude shot of a young man proudly displaying his erection that
managed to get by the filters but I deleted it before my mom saw it so his
dream of having an older woman’s eyes on him was dashed. Poor guy. So many times the men my mom met were so much
older and frailer than their pictures that when my aunt was concerned about the
dangers of my mother going off alone to meet a strange man for coffee or a meal,
June scoffed at her and said, “ for god’s sakes, I could kick them over and
make a run for it any time. There’s no danger!”
My mom is pretty fearless …and in pretty good shape.
Through it
all my mom was a good sport, telling anyone who would listen about her
escapades and laughing at herself. In the end she did meet a man, a couple of
years younger than herself with whom she had a relationship for two years. The
never lived together but spent a great deal of with each other. He
died, unfortunately, but that is the downside of dating over 80. Everything is
accelerated, the dating phase is brief, the commitment quick and it can be over
in the time it takes a younger person to decide if they really are in love.
There literally is no time to waste.
After the
death of her man-friend (you just can’t say boyfriend about an 80 year old man)
my mom picked herself up quite quickly and wanted back on the dating websites. The
clock of life was ticking. This time around though she was
more in control. “Just put in a nice current
picture of me and say how many kids I have, the men don’t care about anything
else”, she told me. Okay then, so men don’t change much as they get older. I complied with the directives and within a
couple of months my mother had met a very nice man. A few months later they were living together
and are still together several years later. Happy ending.
June and Frank in September, 2015
The whole
experience has been very illuminating. I
know the odds are that I may end up alone, outliving my spouse. For some the release from marriage is a blessing,
for others it’s a lonely place. My
mother is brave and forthright, clear in what she wants and she got it. Forging
a new relationship after 60 years of marriage is not easy, its takes effort and
compromise and fearlessness. So if you
are out there, trying online dating and not getting the results you want just
think about June. The ratio of men to
women over the age of 75 is pretty unbalanced.
The odds were against her but she managed to find someone not once, but
twice. Despite the grey hair, the
glasses and the wrinkles the actors in this play are all the same as their
younger counterparts with one exception, they feel the passing of time. Intensely.
Relationships are appreciated, not expected to be perfect and taken one
day at time. Today could be all they
have. We would all be wise to carry that in our hearts. Get on with it.
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